


We Can Grow Together

by saranmaglyn



Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Angst, F/F, Older lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:21:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27491134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saranmaglyn/pseuds/saranmaglyn
Summary: Coming out of hiding is not as easy as Jocelyn thought it would be.
Relationships: Jocelyn Knight/Maggie Radcliffe
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	We Can Grow Together

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, today I offer you this story I wrote some time ago about the beginning of their relationship. A friend inspired me. Enjoy :)

The older couple wanders down Broadchurch's High Street on a sunny afternoon in late autumn. The murder trial lies only a couple of months back and so does the beginning of their relationship. And at this point, barely anyone knows unless they put the dots together themselves since Jocelyn has never loudly proclaimed her love, whether in words or actions, to anyone but Maggie.  
The two women enter a bookshop, Maggie had ordered a novel some time ago to pick up here. While she speaks to the salesperson, Jocelyn potters around the little shop, coming to a halt in front of a rack containing different small things like magnets and postcards. She spins it and finds some chocolates wrapped in cute paper with short messages on them like 'You are awesome!' or 'I love you'. She peaks over her shoulder to Maggie, who is still chatting with the woman behind the counter, and takes a chocolate with 'You're my favourite person.' written on it, hiding it in her hand as she makes her way to the second, luckily separately located counter. After having paid, she waits for Maggie to finally end her chat and they leave the shop together again. Outside, Maggie links her arm with Jocelyn's, as friends might do as well, and they continue to stroll down the street.

“Oh, I've got something for you.” Jocelyn rummages around her coat's pocket.

“You do?” The editor looks at her with raised eyebrows.

“Yes. Here.” 

Jocelyn offers her the chocolate, trying not to be too obvious, and Maggie takes it out of her hand. She reads the words on the yellow background and the small heart at the end of the sentence.

“Aw, petal, that's so sweet. Thank you!”

Maggie's lips form a bright smile as she turns to Jocelyn and then presses her lips on hers. But instead of finding joy in the loving touch the barrister always longed for, it suddenly fills her with fear and embarrassment. She thought she was ready to flaunt their love for everyone to see, thought that since she determined for herself to be done with the hiding game she played for too long, she would be okay with being kissed in public but… it's a much bigger matter than she had realised. Overcoming her own shame a lot harder than imagined. Shame of what? Of loving another person? And showing that love? Something every straight couple does. Publicly. She doesn't even understand where all of these feelings come from, now that she's accepted herself and has got Maggie in her life the way she always dreamed of. But she can't help but stay cold while Maggie's lips linger on hers for what feels like an eternity. Then she even draws away a little, evoking a startled look on Maggie's face. The editor raises her hand to place it on her face but she pushes her arm back down. She can't do this. Not now. Not like this. It's too soon.

“I'm sorry, Maggie. I can't.”

“What do you mean, Joce?”

“I'm not… ready for this. I thought I was.”

“Not ready to show your love? You said you were done hiding who you are.”

“Maggie, I know. And I am. It's just… not that simple. I can't explain it.”

“But you have to. I'd like to understand. I've waited so long for you, I want to be able to kiss you without hiding in a corner to do so. Want to hold your hand without you only holding on loosely so you can break it off as soon as somebody might see us.”

Her voice is getting louder the more frustrated she becomes. Rather subconsciously than consciously. Jocelyn and her sometimes unbearable pride. Why say that you're ready for the commitment when you aren't? Has Jocelyn misjudged her own feelings after all? They haven't been together for all too long, Maggie still returns to her flat every now and then. Maybe Jocelyn is actually relieved when she isn't staying at the house because she realised being with Maggie is not what she imagined. Her thoughts are spiraling immediately. Did she disappoint Jocelyn as a girlfriend?

“What did I do wrong, Jocelyn, that makes you feel so uneasy?”

“Nothing, I just-” Jocelyn's eyes widen as she tries to avoid going deeper into the topic and feels slight anger coming up.

“Oh, please cut the BS, I must've done _something_.”

“Okay.”, Jocelyn exhales, “I would prefer if you wouldn't kiss me like that on the street. I don't need everyone to know.” That came out harsher than she intended and she receives a dropped jaw in response.

“Uhm. Okay. I see.”, Maggie tries to gather herself, “Why can't everyone know?”

“Well, they can but...”

“But?”

“Not so fast. I want some control over this, over who knows and when. Nobody knows about me like they do about you.”

“So you want to keep on hiding and keep this relationship bound to your house? Have you ever considered how I might feel with that?” She can't believe Jocelyn and her compartmented little world.

“No, I _don't_ want to hide anymore, Maggie.” She repeats herself.

A man passes them before she can keep explaining. They nod at each other. Then Jocelyn decides to pull Maggie into an alleyway, checks if anyone is still able to hear them and turns back to her with a stern face.

“Listen, all I ask is for you to keep it low for now. I'm just not as comfortable as I thought I would be.”

“With me? With _being_ with me?” Maggie feels herself tearing up.

“Jesus, no, Maggie.”

“Well, it sounds very much like that, you know.”

“That's not the point, Maggie. I _want_ to be with you. But I feel like I'm parading through town, attracting everyone's attention and _that_ I don't want. It's too much for me at the moment.”

“So there _is_ a point, though? Are you ashamed of me?” Her eyes are burning now.

Jocelyn looks at her in disbelief. How could she ever believe that Jocelyn is ashamed of her? When Maggie is the most wonderful human being she ever met. As beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. The one person who has been there for her when things got tough, whether it be her declining vision or her mother's death. The most empathetic person she knows, always caring about the well-being of others first. Being a friend to those who need it. Being a friend to her even when she didn't feel deserving of it. Wanting what's best for her fellow human beings, here in Broadchurch and in the world by fighting for her rights and beliefs. And while doing all of that, looking absolutely smashing with her blonde hair, the warm skin and the blue shining eyes. How could she ever be ashamed of someone like Maggie? She sighs.

“No. I chose my words badly. Because I'm not ashamed of you, Maggie. How could I ever be?”, She looks down, “I'm… ashamed of myself. For not being able to give you what you want immediately. For the fear I still feel because of my past. It's not been easy, you know.”

“Oh, I know. It's not always been easy-peasy for me either, I had plenty of unpleasant encounters, plenty of hate thrown at me for being openly out. But you need to learn to move past all of that. To make this work. To make us work.”

Or I'll be gone, she adds mentally. She couldn't take being abandoned again. Couldn't take being pushed away again because of Jocelyn being afraid of her own luck. Jocelyn's lack of will to make things work and come out of her shell of security. This fear of Jocelyn backing out again has been with Maggie ever since the kiss and their first night together. Even though she could tell the barrister wanted it, wanted her, there is always a hint of doubt in the back of her mind. And this conversation does certainly not soothe her up until now.

“I know.”, Jocelyn looks at her with a sorry expression, “And I promise you I'm trying. But this is all so new, you need to understand that. I can't do it as fast as I wish I could. I'm not as confident and brave as you are.”

Maggie musters her face. The furrowed eyebrows. The faint freckles spread across her nose and cheeks. The rosy lips she finally is able to feel, now turned down. The gray-blue eyes with their brown spots under heavy lids being the most beautiful ones she has ever laid her own eyes on. That show her she means what she just said.   
Sometimes she needs to remind herself that Jocelyn has never been in a serious relationship before. Because of her fear and shame. She accepted her feelings but had a hard time living with them. Maggie closes her eyes for a second and exhales deeply. She must believe Jocelyn and repress her own nagging doubts and fear of abandonment. It will all turn out alright. 

“Look, I'm sorry if kissing you was too much. Baby steps. I understand. But you know you don't have to be afraid of your love. They accepted me, they will accept you.” She gives her a small smile as she wipes away a tear that rolls down her own cheek.

“I know… I just need to ask you to be patient with me.”, Maggie opens her mouth to retort but Jocelyn shushes her, “Yes, I know. You had to be patient long enough. And I'm sorry for that, too. I promise, I will do my best, okay?”

Maggie considers her for a moment before replying.

“Just don't push me away because you feel overwhelmed. We can grow together. Be open with me. That's all I want. Can you do that?”

“I think I can. I will never push you away again. I've regretted it too much the last time.”

Jocelyn smiles relieved. She won't lose this magnificent woman again, not now that they've come so far. The uneasy feeling in her stomach from earlier hasn't gone completely yet but she chooses to ignore it. She knows she needs to step over her own shadow and take a risk. She can't let herself rest on the confession, hoping it's enough for Maggie to stay. Because it isn't. She needs to prove how serious she is about Maggie. About this life. A life together.  
The editor looks left and right along the path, making sure nobody is there and then slowly reaches out a hand to Jocelyn's face again. Her eyes ask for permission and Jocelyn nods. Maggie plants a soft kiss on her lips and draws back with a smile.

“Step 1. Kiss in public but without any strange eyes seeing. Step 2. Allow me to hold your hand again?”

Jocelyn chuckles lightly and takes a deep breath. Considering the worst that could happen, she agrees. Who cares who knows about her? It can't stay a secret forever anyway. Then she feels Maggie gently folding her hand around her own, her warmth giving her strength. Before leaving the alleyway, she gives Maggie a squeeze accompanied by a smile, saying 'I'm okay'.


End file.
